"LET ME NOT TYPE IN JAPANESE"-Conner Stoller Oct 17 2024
Why doo I lose the friends who I care about and who I think care about me. What did I do wrong, I don't know they wont tell me, but what ever I did it was enough for them to just completely throw me off to the side.
Alright before I start this, these are not really recent just things I feel I need to get out of me. How do some people just find their person that they stay with forever, or "until death do us part" and why can't I. Love has only ever found me once, and when it did thoese 3 months were the best of my life, and she was the best thing to have ever happened to me. She was the only thing I cared about in my life, she was everything to me, the most important thing, my reason to keep moving, my happiness, my motivation, she made me feel truly loved for and cared for more than I ever had in my entire life. After 3 months on September 7 2024 got a text saying something like "I think we should break up -something something- I should focus on school more -something something- I'd like to remain friends with you" I don't know, thats not too important though. Our relationship lasted from May 28 to September 7. We had so many plans that will never happen. I did try to see if I could get a second chance, she said something like "not now, but maybe someday" I knew for a fact that someday was never going to happen, it took less than a week for her to move on, took me like 3 and a half months. Anyway after that I fell low, very low, I was nothing, and then one of her friends she started communicating with me and we got really close, she made me feel cared for and stuff, and she was the second friend of mine (not counting the one person I dated, we only ever hugged when we were dating) to hug me, over the couse of our friend ship she hugged me 2 times, so she became very important to me, the most important thing in my life, much like when I was in a relationship. Over time we kept communicating, and we had a lot in common, I started to like her, it seemed like she liked me, then she just stopped talking to me, tossed me to the side. And with that I was back at zero, no lower, I was in the negatives. The one time that I have EVER tried even in the slightest to find love I don't even get the chance to try and ask if she would want to date me, all I got was another repeat of the past, just in a different way. That was like 2 months ago, feel like I've only gotten worse, but I'm still alive. For now. Both of them are in a relationship and I'm happy for them, but me, I'm still alone. Just my echo, my shadow, and me. Also this relates to the dates below so yeah, now you know.
Been a hot second, looking back on my last rant I realise it sounds like really stupid and tempting to remove but that would kinda defeat the poin of this page. Anyways a lil life update I suppose, my dad got out a while back (currently living with my grandparents) so thats cool. He have been (hard) drug free for more than a month now, only using vape shit (ew). Got broken up with while at a summer camp (for no stated reason), and of course over the weekend so the next week I wasn't really myself, but we got back together eventually so that was cool but yesterday she kinda broke up with me again (with actuall reason this time: she felt we were drifting apart from each other and we kinda were so I get it).Thats about all the things I can recall that are noteable and fit the pourpose of this page, probally will write more later.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I have to live with my mother. Last night she asked me about me wanting to wear a dress for prom (which she said I couldn't because thats "not who I am"), I said I like dresses and stuff and that she can't determine how someone identifies with themself which she then replies and says "Youre not trans, I know you enough to know that" or something like that, I mostly forgot what she said exactly but it was baisically "there were no signs" but she doesn't even give a seccond thought to it, decides Im not trans for me, and denies it completely. She also says that gender affirming care shouldnt happed before or durring puberty wich I belive that to be false. Can't wait to get out of this place. Anyways thats all I wanted to say.
May 28-September 7
september 20-November 13
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